Living with a past
by Trebblerdemon
Summary: Josh finds his place in the life at the Xavier mansion. But there seems to be more to his past than he tells anyone, and more to his mutantpower than anyone will ever know...
1. Chapter 1

Important notes:  
  
*X-men and all their stuff belongs to Marvel.  
  
*Josh belongs to me. ;) Ask nicely, and I'll probably let ya borrow him.  
  
1 *Be a nice reader and please review.  
  
2 Living with a past  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Josh met his own gaze in the mirror, and furrowed his brow a little. He didn't quite recognize himself. Jean had finally managed to drag him to have his hair cut, and even if he thought he looked quite cool in his new hairdo, he hadn't gotten used to it quite yet. Moving his gaze on to the clothes, he sighed and shruged. Black had always been a given favourite for him, the few times when he had a choice, and skyblue...? Well, if they wanted him to wear it, he sure would. At least once. His own, old and worn to threads, clothes were hidden securely in a shoebox in the wardrobe. Just in case he'd need them, or feel like wearing something he felt at home in...At least, that's what he told himself. That thought worried him. He was constantly worried, it felt like. He had found a home now, and he tried hard to fit in, just so that they wouldn't throw him out again. Not that they seemed like the kind who would, but he had been let down and betrayed more times than he could count...With another shrug of his shoulders, and a careful smile at himself in the mirror for some encouragement, and he headed towards the kitchen. Might aswell get something to eat before starting off that pile of homework.  
  
In the stairs, he met Remy, and quickly stepped out of the way for the cajun thief. The weeks that had passed had done little to ease his discomfort about the man with the red eyes. He was always polite, but prefered not to spend to much time around him. Oddly enough, Remy didn't seem to notice. Josh took it as a good sign. Everything that had to do with the Thieves Guild was dangerous, no matter if it was buisness or its members. As they passed eachother, Remy just nodded, and continued up the stairs. With a feeling of once again have gotten away, Josh jumped the last few steps down and walked a little faster down the corridor towards the kitchen.  
  
What Josh didn't notice, was that Remy stopped at the top of the stairs and looked after him, with something that might have been regret in his eyes. Jean joined him at the landing, and put a hand on his shoulder. 'You okay there, Remy?' The cajun nodded. 'Oui. Dat kid's got all de luck in the worl', no?' Jean quirked an eyebrow, and as she looked closer, she could have sworn that she saw a shadow of a sad smile play in the corner of his mouth. 'What do you mean?' she asked carefully. 'Oh, jus' thinkin' w'at would 'ave become o' me, if I'd come 'ere instead o' de Guild 's a kid..' Then he shruged her hand off, and turned to face the corridor, and headed down it with a short mumble of things to do before training, leaving her with a slightly confused frown and a load of unanswered questions.  
  
Josh stepped into the quiet kitchen, and let go of his breath in a sigh. Remy had been nice enough, when he noticed him, but still...He just gave Josh the creeps. He ran his fingers through his hair before he took himself an apple. Then he felt that he wasn't alone anymore. He didn't move, or even stiffen, just said as casuall as he managed 'Good afternoon, Logan.' A quiet chuckle could be heard behind him, and he knew that he'd been right. Only Logan moved as a hunting animal, sneaking without a sound. And that without even trying. 'Good afternoon on yerself, Josh.' he replied and stepped over to the fridge, getting himself a can of beer.As always in the company of Logan, Josh felt like he was being measured and weighed according to a scale he couldn't see and didn't know. But he kept himself as calm as he could as he cleaned the apple in water, and sat down at the table to eat it. Another rule that he couldn't forget, he thought with a bitter twitch of his lips that could be mistaken for a smile. 'Eat at the table. No elbows on the table. Eat up everything on your plate. Oh Lord, are you going to eat us out of the house!? Mind your manners, boy! No talking at the table. Answer a simple question, boy, are you deaf?!' Clydes voice echoed in his mind. And no matter how hard he tried, he always managed to do things wrong, and mom would cry as Clyde...  
  
'Hey, Josh, you still there?' His memories were interupted by a heavy hand landing on his shoulder. He nearly jumped out of his skin, and looked up. Logan was standing behind him, with a nearly concerned look on his face. Josh could barely manage a thin smile at him, as he quickly shruged the hand of his shoulder and got up. 'I'm... I...I was just thinking, I'm fine...' he mumbled and put the untouched apple in the bin, before he fled.  
  
Back in his room, he curled up on his bed, and fought the tears. It had gone so quick to return to his old role, to submit to memories...What would happen if he met Clyde for real again, or mom? He didn't dare thinking about it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.  
  
The next morning, Josh didn't go down for breakfast. He just dressed, made his bed and then sat in his window, looking out over the fields and forests behind the mansion. Someone knocked at his door, but it was securely locked, and he didn't answer. They left him alone for the lot of the day. Not untill after dinner, he had a visitor. There was a couple of knocks on the door, but when he didn't answer, it went quiet for a moment, and then the lock clicked.  
  
The door opened, and Remy let himself into the darkening room. Josh had really managed to change the room into one fitting his personality - a poster with a howling wolf on the wall, some papers spread out on the desk, other than that it was neat and tidy, heavy darkblue curtains that cut out most light, a little silver wolf as a paperweight... The kid liked wolves. Perhaps because he longed for a pack of his own? He turned his thougths from the room to the reason of his visit. Josh sat in the window, with his head turned from the door, looking out over the backside of the mansion. 'Evenin' Josh.' Remy said quietly. No answer. He stayed at the door, and closed it carefully, then leaned towards it. 'Y' 'kay?' Still no answer. 'See, y've been gettin' us all kind o' worried, an' we're wondrin' what we've done wron'..' At least that got him a reaction. Josh turned his head, and seemed to get a little confused. 'Done wrong? You?' he asked uncertainly. Remy nodded. 'Oui. Wi't y' lockin' y'rself in like dis, all day, dere must be somethin' wron', right?' The boy blinked, and then looked out the window again. 'No. Nothing's wrong here. It's just something...' he hessitated. '..something I need to think through. Make up my mind about.' Teenage angst? Remy thought, and smiled a little. 'Alright. But if y' need to talk, we're all 'ere for y', remember?' Josh nodded, and continued to look out the window. 'I promise.'  
  
When Remy left, he smiled a little to himself. Josh looked like a kid, one that shouldn't have any more troubles than the occational homework and crush on cute girls. Still, there was that way he avoided to talk about his life before he came to the mansion, or those times when he seemed all lost in thoughts. Well, surely it would pass, in time. He shruged and headed towards his own room and a couple of hours relaxing with that new cassette Blade'd given him. Some jazz perhaps would give him rest in mind.  
  
Josh let out a sigh when the door closed behind Remy. How could he tell him? Or anyone, for that matter? And tomorrow it was his birthday...he knew that, because his mother had told him once what day he was born, and what year...Tomorrow, he would be thirteen. Nearly a grown up. But today, he felt like he was the smallest little baby, with nowhere to be safe. So he stayed up, and watched the stars fade into sight on the sky, and the moon rise. He didn't dare go to sleep, not with all memories running around in his head. He didn't want to dream. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Josh stayed up all night, and didn't go down for breakfast the next morning either. He ignored the gnawing feeling of hunger, and drank some water to keep his head clear. So this was how it felt to be thirteen...It didn't feel much different. Another sip of water, as he watched the mist rise from the fields.  
  
Then he saw her. His heart took a leap as he spotted a young girl, dressed in a white robe, making her way over the fields. Her shoulderlong brown hair moved a little, as if there was a wind moving around only her, because the few strands of mist that was left didn't move. And it was her! He knew it! He had to talk to her! Why she was here, and not in Downtown New York where he had last seen her, he didn't worry about. She was here, and he needed to talk to her. He jumped up, and held on to the windowsill a couple of seconds to steady his slightly wobbly knees, and then ran out of his room.  
  
As he came towards the stairs, he noted something seemed to be going on down in the hall, but he didn't have time to wonder what it might be. He leapt down the stairs, taking two or three steps at the time, and he didn't see it untill it was to late.  
  
There seemed to be redecorating going on, with Rogue in command, and most furniture had been moved, amongst them a small table. It had been temporarily placed directly in front of the stairs, leaving only a narrow passage where someone might get through, if they weren't running. Logan and Remy were lifting another table, and moving it around while joking and sighing as Rogue kept changing her mind. Josh could see it all as if in slow motion. There was a very beautiful vase on the table. It had longstemed creamcoloured roses in it. He tried to dodge to the side, but his hand touched the soft glass, it wobbled, and then - the crash came, just as he managed to stop. Time returned, and Josh stared at the glass on the floor. Then he slowly lifted his gaze, and froze, like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck.  
  
'Hey, what do ya think you're doin'?!' Rogue flew towards Josh, or more correctly, towards the shattered pieces of glass on the floor. 'Jus' look at it, will ya! This one was my favourite, ya little...!' She knelt down at the floor and started to pick up the pieces, while she talked, but she was interupted by a very quiet voice. 'Cherie...stop dat.' She looked over her shoulder, and frowned at Remy. 'But will ya jus' look at it! He's runnin' down my new wase, and...' 'Dat's enough, Rogue. Look at 'im.' She looked up at Josh, and then blinked. 'What...? Remy, why does he look ...?'  
  
Josh had pulled back, inside himself, where nothing could harm him. He couldn't feel oaths, hits or bruises in there. It was as if he went somewhere else, and left just his body to take whatever the punishment might be. His eyes were empty, and his fists were clenched, as well as his jaw. He was prepared for the hit or push he knew would come, but he wouldn't cry or scream. He even refused to tremble as he waited. But one thought he couldn't hide from. It echoed inside his mind. (Please, don't throw me out, please let me stay, I'll behave from now, I promise, just let me stay..) But he knew that it was to much to ask. He knew that he should count himself lucky if all he got now was a showe out the door and the sound of it slaming shut behind him.  
  
'Go get a new vase for dose flowers, cherie...and y' go 'elp 'er, Logan.' They did as Remy said, for once without arguing, they just gave the pale Josh a worried look. Then they left him alone with the cajun thief in the hallway.  
  
'Josh...y' make me disappointed...' Remys quiet voice moved something inside the void where Josh had fled. He fought to stand still and not run as Remy slowly walked over towards him, and knelt down at the shards, picking one up before he met Josh's gaze. 'W'at's dis?' he asked, and held up the shard. Josh suprised himself by answering, stuttering and stumbling over the words, 'I...it's broken, Remy...sir, I..I'll fix it...I'll pay for it...' (Oh, please, let me stay, don't throw me out, please...) A hand landed on his shoulder, and Remy looked sad, as Josh flinched. ''tis a -thin'-, Josh. A thin' dat can be replaced.' But he removed his hand.  
  
Josh couldn't bring himself to believe what he heard. 'Bu..but I broke it...' he said, amazed that he could even talk when those eyes met his gaze. Remy shook his head. 'Did y' mean t' break it?' Josh shook his head furiously. 'Non? Den why are y' affraid, Josh?' And Josh knew that his hope was broken. The real pain wouldn't come from being thrown out, it would come earlier, when Remy hit him. That was when he would break down.  
  
'Please...I just saw her...and...I needed to talk to her before...she went away....' His voice faded when he realised how stupid he did sound. Running through the house just because he saw a girl outside? Remy tilted his head, and frowned. 'Y' saw someone y' know here? And hurried, because y' thoug't she'd disappear?' Josh nodded slowly, and looked down. 'I'm sorry...I'm thoughtless, I'm just thinking of myself and shouldn't have ran, I should have followed the rules...' He couldn't stop himself. He'd call himself anything, just as long as they let him stay. Remy held up a hand, with the palm against him, and Josh silenced instantly as he tensed. 'Oh, merde! Woul' y' stop dat! Noone's gonna hit ya'!' Remy snapped, and then shook his head as Josh opened his mouth to appologize. 'Non, I'm sorry...' He drew his breath and then patted on the step next to him. 'Won't y' come 'ere, homme? Sit down...If Kitty's still 't de lake, I bet she don't wan' any visitor right now.' A strange smile played over the older mans lips, and Josh froze all over inside. 'I...I think I'll stand here...sir...' The smile on Remys lips faded, as he seemed to understand. Josh blushed, and aimed his gaze towards the wall. 'I'll...go back...I'm sorry...' he mumbled, and then he ran past Gambit where he sat on the stairs, and left more than one unanswered question hanging behind him. 


End file.
